Oops

There it lay - discarded on the floor without a second thought. Thrown down to join the still-warm clothes and shot glasses. If only they'd not been in such a hurry... If only they'd seen the tiny hole.
But they didn’t.
And now their duo is a trio. And now there are rows. And now they hate each other.

Shame.

finished

Above all things, he hated leaving something half-done. To start an act or endeavour and leave it uncompleted was, his father had taught him, the behaviour of a child and not a man. 'Seeing things through', his father called it. He had embarked on his first novel in the early autumn but now, two months on, he knew that -

pick on someone your own size

Slam. His fist in my solar plexus. Crack. A stomach-stopping blow to my temple. This was not going to plan.

My trump card - surprise - had long since been played. For the third time in as many weeks, I would be forced to reevaluate my own physical prowess.

Next time I would have to start a fight with a child.

His hair long, his feet bare, Mr Stevens was as vitriolic as he was blasphemous.

He steadied himself and Inhaled deeply before unleashing a fresh volley of abuse and spittle in to the assembly hall.

The pupils of West Chester looked on impassively. Many felt they had heard enough about the “myth of refrigeration” last year.”

career advice

My decision to arrive naked barring a low-slung wicker papoose was undoubtedly a sartorial error.

However it was the fact that I became visibly aroused at my own joke, a winding anecdote that culminated in me making light of my job interviewer’s weight problem, that “raised the most eyebrows” on the feedback form.

Stars in fiction. Vol.1

I saw Mika the other day. He was walking down the road with a rough girl on his arm. She was the size of a bloody house.

'Oi! Mika!' I shouted. 'Your girlfriend looks like a whale'.

'Sorry', he replied.

'I said your girlfriend looks like a bowling ball with legs.'

'She's my mum'

'Well... she's still fat!'

He smiled.

hot ape

Ruminating intently on his own mortality, the great ape gripped the sides of the deep fat fryer.

Feeling at peace for the first time in his life, he bellowed “freedom” before thrusting his head into the boiling oil.

Sadly, his last words were never heard.

For he could not speak.

He was an ape.

With my family around me

He realised too late that this was how it would end. A bare lightbulb; a stale glass of water; a telephone with no numbers. And by then it was far too late to change much of anything. He knew that there was something he needed to tell someone, but he couldn't recall who or what. Consequently, it went undone.

Happy

It hadn't been a lie. It just involved a small omission.

"I really want you to be happy," he had told her.

He wanted her to be happy. Fat, but happy.

Really happy and really fat would also be fine.

He bathed in his own generosity of spirit.

He was one of the good guys and, boy, it felt good.